Hi everybody! So to my surprise, I have had numerous parents ask me why I have not said much in my emails lately, mainly my little excerpts at the end where I discuss certain thoughts I like to share. I appreciate that you parents do like what I share, though I feel I can be a little annoying, so I try to keep it at a minimum. But its time to give you a little of what some of you have asked for.
I dont bring up discussion topics unless I truly feel it is something that can resonate with our 300+ student body. Sharing my thoughts with all of you is only necessary, in my mind, if I can give something for all of us to relate to and remind you that I am human, same as you - mistakes, blessings, selfish thoughts, procrastination, self-doubt, beating myself up internally, gratefulness, struggles, everything.
I do have a topic that will give all of you a little more insight into my life, who I am, and who I strive to be everyday. So please, when you have a chance this weekend, sit down with your significant other, child, or by yourself, and see who I am, as you trust me with the most important thing in your life - your children. I would die for each and every one of them and the trust you give my staff and me is our most prized treasure we/I will never even think to break.
Anyhow, some of the points I make in this email will relate to past points I have shared with all of you but with less detail, along with new details.
When I first decided to take the dojo over years ago, especially after losing the Navy and years of wandering I had to do, I realized I had to live with veracity. Not only was telling the truth through-and-through important, but so was living a truthful life. I had to practice what I preached. With social media nowadays, it is always a facade of what people want you to see. We will notice celebrities or others we look up to then make a mistake (which is completely human) and this distorts our image of them. Either that, or we choose to "stan" them and make every reason to excuse their behavior, which is even worse. I used the term "stan" to highlight that Eminem's new album dropped today, whoop whoop! I dont agree with everything he says, but Im a a big Em fan!
Anyhow, being honest with those in your life and with yourself is the pinnacle for being an effective leader and good person. You cannot manipulate reality, and that is what lying is. Living honestly shows you lead by example. Sugar-coating things to those you care about will only cause them more harm in the future vs short-term pleasure/avoidance. Often, we soften the truth for those we care about not just for them, but selfishly for us because we want to avoid confrontation or can be afraid of those people judging us and abandoning us. If people would leave because you are honest with them, then let them go. You can make an honest judgement of someone but not change your care for them because true care comes from wanting them to be their best self. You cannot change people per say until they want to change, but you should not change people. You should help them evolve into their best selves. You cannot do this, though, if you are not evolving consistently on your own. Who are you to tell people how to better themselves if you do not do the same thing or practice the tools you claim?
I was not going to take over the dojo unless I knew I was living whole-heartedly as my true best self. I had not right to lead children if I was a hypocrite. Hypocrisy is my pet peeve.
I am a very strategic-minded person and like to know "what is the step for this" or "the process to get to the next thing." If math can be a simple 1+1=2, then are there steps to life that make it that simple? Of course with consciousness and human behavior, it is a lot more of a gray area than 1+1=2. But can we make it as close to simple as possible?
I was the person who often sat with the outcasts when I was younger. I was a friendly little nerd karate kid who knew everyone but often found that the "popular" groups tended to be fake and cared more about their image than actually being true to people around them. Obviously, this is not everyone who is popular and this can occur amongst any click of people, especially in people who lack introspection or the Machiavellian types. In my experience, and I have a very diverse group of friends and acquaintances across the world, those who lack introspection can do wrong to others in an attempt to masquerade their own shame, without truly understanding/knowing why they are doing what they are doing. Those who are more narcissistic lack the empathy that comes with the guilt of doing those wrong things and solely manipulate people for their own gain. Those types of people you should avoid at all costs. I am human and have done my wrong like anyone else. I am not better than you and have covered up my own self-shame and mistakes by being emotional or mentally wrong to others. I am my toughest critic, as I think we all are. Luckily, people I have known since being young or those I come across now mostly remark me as a caring and loving individual. Im grateful for this and it reminds me maybe I am doing something right. But understand, I do not view myself this way. I aim everyday to just be good and kind to people and it is second-nature to me, but it does take practice. And their is always time to turn around if you feel only hate or resentment in your heart. I felt much of that for years when I could not forgive those who wronged me and when I lost the Navy. One thing I am always proud of in myself is everyday of my life since I started teaching at 8 years old, I have always thought that protecting our children from the horrors of the world is the most important thing. Children are the innocence of the world. Let them be innocent and give them the tools to protect that innocence and be unashamed of who they are. The world does it's damage to all of us enough on its own. In conclusion to this point, I have often talked about how self-forgiveness is one of the most important qualities to have. If you did not do well on your workout, or got up late one day, or broke a dish you were washing, you have to not let it weigh the rest of your day down. You dont get back any of the 86,400 seconds in the day. If you have made worse mistakes, learn to forgive yourself, same as you would encourage your best friend to be easier on themselves.
Back to my point, I have told all of you that my philosophy in transcending the suffering that life is to give back to others without expecting anything in return AND not bragging about it.
So if this was the starting point, then HOW could I make life a simple 1+1=2? I cant change the world if I dont start with myself and one person at a time. This is why keyboard warriors are so funny. What do you do to contribute to society besides complain about pseudo self-righteousness? This is not all people who are on social media, but this can tend to be many, as psychologically we are influenced by those around us and want to impress others. Its natural. You have to impress people with truth. Truth is how you inspire people for real. If your image is based on lies or covered up by doing "good deeds," people will see through sooner or later and the world will smack you in the face. So, yes, stop thinking you can change the world if you dont start by just changing yourself and helping the person in front of you. At the end of the day, your name and my name will most likely not be remembered in any history book and our story will fade with time. This may sound dismal but the plus side is, PEOPLE WILL NOT CARE ABOUT THE MISTAKES YOU MADE (for the most part) at the end of the day. So get over them and live your life to do good for others.
Aside self forgiveness this week, I also spoke to the students about how important first impressions are. They say it takes 1/10 of a second for someone to judge you in person and 4-7 seconds to solidify their judgement. Over the phone, it is said to take 4 seconds for someone to make their judgement of you. If you believe people should not judge, think again. It is human nature and teaches us to avoid negative behavior we see recurring in our lives. You counteract judging others by reminding yourself that you are human too and if someone is willing to be honest with you as you are to them, then you have no right to judge. The naked truth is 100% better than the best-dressed lie. If someone is willing to give you truth, then give them the benefit of the doubt and treat everyone equally. After fair treatment, if someone shows they are not akin to kindness, then separate yourself.
1+1=2...Can life be that simple? How can we make ANY PERSON'S DAY better that we meet in our life, even if it is seconds in passing? How could this be applied to everyone in your life and how can you give even more to those you are closer to? How do we start simple, across the board for everyone? You have to treat everyone equally and the way you want to be treated.
I asked this question continuously in a dark room for hours on end. What made me feel good that others did for me? How do I make sure what I am doing is not manipulative in any manner? How do I make sure the kindness I give can be felt with full sincerity and to make sure I was not afraid of being judged in doing so?
I came to these couple things to do in order to treat everyone fairly, without ulterior motive, and to make their life a little better no matter how long I have met them. You will notice I do these things in the dojo, and for those that have been with me outside the dojo, you will know I do these anywhere. Try them out and see how life gets a little better for you.
1. Learn people's names.
I have a knack for remembering names probably because I had to do it since I was young teaching. When you meet someone, give them your name and ask theirs. Make them feel human and like they matter.
I remember when I went to a haunted house with some of the black belt sempais last year, I went to this little coffee shop that was at the entrance. The girl at the front had cute purple hair. I complimented her, introduced myself, and asked her name. It was Willow. I'll never forget how she looked at me and said, "Ya know, you're the first person to call me by my name in three hours and it just feels good to be feel like Im a person, like I matter."
It was a beautiful comment and one I never forgot. They had some BOMB iced coffee at that shop.
Try to say a name three times when you learn it, never be afraid to ask a person's name again, and make the effort to remember it. If you can remember song lyrics, then remember the person's voice and connect it with their name. This is one way I remember my parents' names at the dojo and not just the kids. I can hear a spouse's voice say their other half's name in my head and it just kind of fits. Maybe Im just weird...scratch that, I am weird. But maybe that can help you.
2. Give one genuine compliment.
I have told many of you the reason I do this in depth. To put it briefly, if there is something unique about a person that stands out, SAY SOMETHING. If their nails are done or their hair or they have new shoes or whatever, boldly say out loud that you like it. You do those things for yourself to be recognized and proud of yourself, so acknowledge others' efforts in doing so. Too often we are told things by people and fear they are saying it with ulterior motive and not because they are being genuine. This was a problem I noticed in dating culture growing up. Sometimes you could not compliment a woman without her accusing you of hitting on her, or you could not compliment a gentleman without him being thirsty and too overbearing.
If you do not see something, dont say anything. Its not like you have to. But have you ever just received a compliment? I personally am bad at taking compliments due to my own insecurities but I will reply with a blushed thank you. A true compliment with nothing behind it just fills your heart with joy. If you give someone a compliment, nothing else, and kindly move on, then it does not matter what they perceive your compliment as. It was genuine. When you walk away and they notice there is nothing more to it, they will reflect and feel it to be true, feel joy themselves, and hopefully pay it forward.
Remember, if you let compliments go to your head, then insults will go to your heart. Take compliments you receive with stride but never forget you are no better than the person in front of you. What matters most is what you think of yourself and if you have truth to fall back on, then nothing anyone else says can put a chink in your armor.
Finally, dont forget, just because you compliment somebody does not mean they will be grateful or say anything in return. If you expect a "thank you" or anything else, then that is manipulative and selfish, and you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Do it without expecting anything in return. The good will come around when you least expect it. It is ok to feel a need for a "thank you," as that is human, but you have to remember that YOU have been the person afraid of others saying things to you with ulterior motive. YOU have been stand-offish at some point in your life just like them. YOU have had bad days and not wanted to mingle with others just like them. So do it because its right and because it might make their day better, but be forgiving if grace is not returned.
3. Say please and thank you.
Even with children, say please and thank you when giving directions. Say it to those next to you. Say it ot everyone around you. There are times when you need to be stern and straight-forward with no please and thank you required. But for the most part, say these words. It is universally recognized as kind and saying "go clean your toys," is a lot different than, "can you pick up your toys please?"
4. Do good for good's sake.
It does not matter if attention will be on you if you choose to go out of your way to help people. See a waitress drop a bunch of glasses? Get up an go help. Make it your problem too. Plenty of people will choose not to or prefer others to do it. This is the pluralistic ignorance effect. When others see you doing something for the right reason, they will follow. I have explained this in depth and in this email so you get the point.
5. Be proud when other's do well.
I have often heard "all feelings are valid." Um...let me be frank. bullshit. Every feeling you have is not valid. Now it is GOOD to recognize that you feel that way, as it is human, but to say it is valid, as if it has substance and should matter in the world is preposterous.
For example if your friend achieves something great, you may feel jealousy. This is completely normal to feel but it does not validate you to hold that jealousy and the animosity that comes with it towards your friend. Instead, you should ask why that feeling is inside you. Most likely, it is because you are not doing enough yourself to feel sufficient and are envious. You should not envy or be jealous of those you care about in life. You should be proud of them and lift them up in their successes. This goes for strangers as well.
We must control the reactions that come with our feelings and learn to become self-aware if those feelings have validity to a situation. If not, then teach yourself how to feel a more appropriate feeling in those circumstances. Start by asking how you would feel if someone did that.
If you want to feel pride for yourself, then get out there, do hard work, and achieve something yourself. If your friends are not proud of you, then they are not true friends. When you appreciate others' wins, you will in turn be proud of your own when you achieve them and see others' for victories even deeper.
Also reality and facts do not change just because your feelings are hurt. The sooner you see the truth of reality and accept it, the sooner life becomes more clear and manageable. You do a disservice to those around you by not giving them the truth. Of course, you should be thoughtful and kind in your approach with honesty.
So be proud of others and if you have a feeling that is negative, ask yourself if it is valid to feel, and if logic says it is not, then work to find the opposite or better feeling and how to get there. Usually, it is something within you that is wrong or off. Often, when we judge others, it is actually a reflection of ourselves, especially since we only have OUR perception of the world - what we fear, how we feel about it, etc.
These five simple things were my 1+1=2 on how to make the world a little better with each and every person that you come across. As I mentioned, with those you are closer to, dont forget to do these things and go a little further because those in your life deserve it if you are going to keep them in it. I aim to give these to my students and you. This is the core of my being, as martial arts has guided my mindset my whole life.
I share this today to let you know, I am someone who had to make sure I was living through-and-through with what I preached. Otherwise, I have no right to lead your children or give you advice. I am transparent about my mistakes and humanity because if anyone claims they are perfect, then they are lying. Only God is perfect. I have done my wrong, I have done my good. I aim everyday with the purpose of being kind while expecting nothing back. I mess up on that sometimes and have to check myself, as we all do. Please keep me in check if you feel I am not fulfilling that.
"To piss of a strong man, tell him a lie. To piss off a weak man, tell him the truth."
I am proud of who I am today and what I can give to the world. I hope you all are too. I am proud of all of you.. Life is rough, especially in these times, and just the fact that you make an effort to better yourselves or your children's lives is a testament to hard work. As someone who has battled severe depression in my life, sometimes just getting up out of bed is something to be proud of. Trusting our dojo to help with this self-betterment for you/your kids is an honor I hold very dear to my heart.
If you dont feel your happy with who you are, as we all have identity battles at times, especially when we are under a lot of stress, start by being kind to others. Think about who you want to be and aim your life for that, but start by being kind to each person you come across in your life. You only get what you give. It was a wake-up call for me 4 years ago when I realized I wanted to live successfully by what I was, not by what I thought I was and what others thought me to be.
Thank you for your trust and for being a part of our family at the dojo. I love you, all. Just know, when I lost the Navy, the kids were the only reason I stayed alive. If it werent for your children and the children of the world, I would have offed myself long ago. I give these five "life tips" to all of my students so they can feel genuine care from a person they can trust. Trust is such a sacred thing. Broken trust is like melted chocolate. It never goes back to it's original shape. I will always be up front with you and ask for the same in return.
Our adult students and your children were and are my "why." Osu
