I was 16 years old. I had recently made a mistake in my life. I never thought we could make mistakes that we could regret for a lifetime. But I had. Maybe in some people’s eyes, this was minuscule, but in mine, it was the worst. I hated myself. Maybe on the outside I seemed good and it seemed I was putting my best foot forward, trying to teach karate, keep up with school, while dealing with my girlfriend at the time who cheated on me and manipulated me constantly, but in my mind, I was the worst person. I could not get through the day. I could not teach classes properly because I was so distraught internally about my mistake and my life. A rapid decline into a deep depression began to set in. I could not get out of bed for school some mornings. If I did, I was in freeze mode, stuck during the day sitting at my seat not being able to do any task in front of me. I would space out when teaching classes and dwell on how terrible of a person I was…on how lost I was as a person…I could not recognize myself. I could not recognize the young man who always wanted to see others do good and wanted to support and make others smile. I could not recognize Sensei Matt, the person who the kids looked up to and my parents were proud of. I could not recognize who I was. I only saw a monster in myself.
As I fell deeper into depression and negative self-talk daily, I was reaching a breaking point. Suddenly, one day, after teaching a class, a mother to my student, Chase, approached me.
She said, “Sensei, I wanted to tell you something Chase said to my husband and me on the way down here to the dojo. Now we are a family that throws the word ‘love’ around the house a lot so I wasn’t surprised by his first comment. But it’s what he said after that I want to tell you.”
I replied, “I understand using the word love. I do that. But go ahead.”
She continued, “He was in the back of the van nodding his head up and down and he says, ‘Mom, Dad, ya know, I like Sensei Matt. Ya know, I love Sensei Matt. I trust Sensei Matt.’” She persisted, “Matt, he has never said he trusts anybody but his father and me…I thought you should know that. It was pretty special to hear.”
At that moment, Chase came running up the ramp after his class. His mother stopped him and asked, “Hey Chase, what did you tell us about Sensei Matt when we were on the way to karate today?”
Chase, with his adorable big 7-year-old head and brown eyes looks at me nodding his head back and forth, “I told my parents I like you Sensei Matt. I told them I love you Sensei Matt.”
Then Chase pauses, stops nodding his head and stares straight into my eyes, “I told my parents I trust you Sensei Matt.”
Needless to say, I went upstairs on the loft that evening and balled my eyes out for about 15 minutes.
When I didn’t know myself; when I lost sight of who I was, the kids always were there to remind me of the good within my heart, even if I didn’t feel it in myself.
I am not saying this to brag. I am sharing this to reveal how much the students have been there for me, unknowingly, when I didn’t know who I was or hit the darkest depths of my life.
I overcame the mistake I made and learned the importance of self-forgiveness. Chase’s words always stayed with me.
Children are pure. They are the innocence of this world. They have a sixth sense in knowing what is good and not good around them in certain circumstances. They will also give you the blunt truth so don’t ask anything you don’t want the real answer to lol.
Fyodor Dostoevsky said, “Love children especially, for they too are sinless like the angels; they live to soften and purify our hearts and, as if it were, to guide us.”
Children are the embodiment of purity. They are curious and joyful. Their emotions are so big because they are so real. Children, especially young, have a hard time being fake. Children can guide us to be better people. Moreover, I think a staple to a happy life is living as your inner child as much as possible while having the wherewithal of an adult.
For those of you with children, you know what it is like to love something more than yourself…to put another person’s well-being before your own. I want you to know the kids taught me to love something more than myself. They taught me to not follow my instinctual selfish habits, that we all have, because they were more important to me in my life than my own desires. They taught me to love something more than myself. Their purity reminded me of who I was and the good in my heart when I felt I did not have any. The kids showed me what it was like to see the good in the world when it seemed the world was only cruel. The world will screw us up enough. We know our children will inevitably have to face the hardships of the world, disappointment, betrayal, etc. It’s so hard for me to see our students endure life, but that’s where they will grow the most. I know for parents that is even more difficult to see. That’s one reason I believe in martial arts. Martial arts helps give them guarding not just to protect themselves physically, but to protect themselves emotionally and mentally because of the life values and mental resilience it instills.
Martial arts and the dojo allow the kids and their families to have a place where they can get away, not hide who they are as much as they would like, can be themselves, and will be encouraged by those around them. They will be safe and free of judgement. It is empowering, not just for the reason of learning self-defense, but as I mentioned above, for the reason of instilling life skills that they can take with them forever. It is a place where everyone is here to uplift and lead with the best intention for one another.
With that, the trust a child gives is so pure and should be harbored with the upmost love and respect. There is a proverb I like – “Broken trust is like melted chocolate. It never goes back to its original shape.”
I have had students who have been through the worst things, who have had that trust betrayed by those that were supposed to care most for them. Nothing is as pathetic and disgusting as harming the innocence of a child, especially breaching the pure trust they have.
I have had the pleasure of teaching since I was 8 years old. I specifically worked with children on the spectrum and with behavioral issues when I was younger. The kids were always there to remind me I have a purpose. They were always there when I was lost, stagnant, or simply doing well. I can tell you many more stories of when the kids reminded me to never give up. They inspired me more than I could ever inspire them. They are why I get up everyday. They are why I stay focused. I cant let them down and ill be damned if I would be a hypocrite in what I teach. I am not perfect. I have failed in that long ago more times times than I like to admit. We all have and we are our own worst critics. I had to correct course more than once. I found a steadiness in that course years ago, but I know I can always do better as a person, especially for the kids. We all fail. I owed it to the kids to have veracity and live truly guided by kindness.
Some of these students have been through the most harrowing things. Who am I to complain about my hardships? I stand strong even when I feel weak, just as many of you do, to show the kids I can handle it and so can they. As I said, they inspire me to be my best. I cherish the trust of them and you, as their parents, too much. I could never think to betray that trust by not practicing what I preach. They deserve a place of truth where they can be themselves, feel cared for, and protected.
Understand, everything I do in my life and how I operate revolves around my purpose for the students. They are the fabric of my being. I must practice what I preach. I set goals that orient to how we can continue helping everyone that comes through our doors. Personal goals reflect how I can be my best to help show the kids that when life is hard, grit your teeth and keep fighting. We are all fighters in this world. You have to show you can take a hit, not be fazed, and can hit back harder.
I share this with you all so you know how deeply I think about our purpose in giving the dojo back to the community. This is how deeply each student means to me.
As aforementioned, I can tell you many more stories of times the kids were there for me. The decades I have taught have blessed me with so many moments that grounded me when I felt there was not footing.
Today I wanted to share this with you. I want to say thank you. Thank you for your trust in helping to guide your little ones. Thank you for being a part of our family and supporting your dojo. If there is anything we can ever do for your children or you that we can help with, please ask. And I know that goes both ways, and I am so grateful for all your support. I love each of you in a way that says, “I want the best for you. I want the best for your children. I want to see all of you do better than me, and I will be proud and cheering the day it happens.”
I love each student, and each one holds a piece of my heart whether they actively train or have before. As I said, they reminded me of the good within myself when I felt I didn’t have any. The kids reminded me of my purpose. God gave me the kids when I messed up in my teens. God brought me back to the kids when I lost my dream in the Navy. God showed me the children of our world could heal any broken soul, just like mine, at any point in my life. I am blessed with the opportunity to lead so many youth in our community, whether it was through Bully Buster, the dojo, or anywhere I go. I want you to know how deeply this matters to me. I want you to know how much you and your children matter to me. I want you to know how much you all matter to our dojo. Thank you for being you.
I love you all. Osu!
