What Happened to Sensei Matt?

Many of you have heard Doshi lost the Navy. That was his dream. He has back problems. Yada yada yada. I have given some explanation to what occurred to me in bits and pieces, and sometimes in parts in person. But today I want to share with you one of the darkest times in my life. I want to share with you what made me lose myself, fall into the darkest depths of my mind and depression, and what the kids saved me from. This will be lengthy as you will need context and details, some shared before and some new, to understand what I went through at that point in my life. Today I explain to you what happened to Doshi (Me-teehee).

To begin, understand I have never had back issues before going into the military. I have done Judo, Ju-Jitsu, and Karate my entire life. From being thrown like a ragdoll for hours upon the day all the way to swimming 10 miles per week and running 60 miles while lifting hundreds of pounds, I never experienced any back problems. I have a 25 degree curve scoliosis, spinal stenosis, bulging discs, and many more issues with my back. I was unaware of my scoliosis my entire life until I went into the Navy. To this day, I have done everything from surgery (decompression laminectomy – I avoided a fusion), acupuncture, PRP (platelet-rich plasma) injections, stem cell, eastern-style medicine, and more to help my back.

Everyday I do therapy on my own – tins unit, inversion table, stretching, ice and more – to keep my back strong. This does not include my lifting regiment and other things. The most beneficial thing I found for my back was RFAs. This is where they insert needles in the spine and burn the nerves so your brain does not register the pain and help prevent debilitating spasms. My specialist has never had a patient with as bad a back as mine over his 30 years (his words, not mine) and has never had a patient where he has burned so many levels, especially all at once. I have my L1-S1 burned on both sides of my spine. In good faith, my specialist loves to tell my how messed up my back in every time he sees me. He does not do it to insult me but instead to inspire me. For example, he once said, “Matt, it is a miracle...actually, more than a miracle what you are able to do with the back that you have. I know how hard you are on yourself but know you are doing great. You are doing more than great my friend.” – Dr. Shamir Shaia

I do not believe this myself as I believe anyone is capable of anything with the proper mindset, but I tell my specialist the same as I tell you, I am only capable of my abilities because of the kids. My students are my “why” to never give in and push all boundaries.

Now to get to the main point. I heard of the Navy SEALs when I was in college. My father and karate always taught me to be the most humble yet badass protector you could be without anyone knowing about it. SEALs were the embodiment of this. My parents always supported me in whatever my dreams were though they did not want me going into the military. I am their baby boy obviously.

When training for the SEALs, I did martial arts 5 days a week on top of 2 adays at the gym 6 days a week. I was swimming about 10 miles, doing water exercises such as drown proofing (hands and feet tied and thrown into the water to perform various activities), treading water with weights for hours, running about 60 miles with a 40 lb weight vest a week, and lifting weights daily. I was pushing two plates, squatting three, and deadlifting four plates weekly. I was in the best shape of my life and the best mindset.

If you are aware of my past emails, something occurred in my life that destroyed my mindset and the Navy dropping me truly crushed me. But that is for another story.

Upon going into the military, SEAL candidates go into an 800 division in boot camp. Essentially, we do the normal Navy stuff like making your rack (bed) and folding your skivvies (underwear) while learning the basic roundabout Naval things. About 15-20 times in the 2 months of boot camp, we join the SEALs at 4am in the morning and train with them for an hour and a half before returning to our regular Navy routine. Now one thing about Navy bootcamp, and I’ll be frank, its bullshit. They are breaking you down to the bare minimum to build you back up which makes sense, but physically you barely do any workouts in boot camp and you barely eat. Anyone that has been through boot camp knows this, but I would say Army and Marine boot camp is much tougher physically. For the first month, we did this. After the first month, we jumped in with the SEALs some mornings and were immediately running 6-8 miles again or treading water with weight for hours, etc.

I believe the lack of nutrition and the abrupt switchover was part of the reason for my body breaking down. I remember one day we took a bad “beating” from the SEALs. Our BUD/S (Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL Training) class – class 318 – wasn’t working as a team so they made us do a mile and a half bear crawl (I was the fastest bear crawler thanks to martial arts teehee), 500 burpees, and numerous other things. We all got smoked nicely.

The next day I woke up with this terrible pinch in my back. It was a stabbing pain in my left lower lat. Now in boot camp, you NEVER go to medical unless you want to get kicked out. I knew better. I stayed on my back for the coming month, pushing through workouts and not being able to sleep at night because the racks were so uncomfortable.

In boot camp, you go through your special physical as they call it. This is where an officer in the medical office does your final check to make sure your physically fit for duty. Mind you, I had x-rays and everything completed through MEPS and the Navy once we entered boot camp. I was never told of any issues. As I bent over with the doctor looking at me, he says, “Hey you got scoliosis,” to which I replied, “What’s that?” He answered, “It’s a curve of the spine. Does it bother you?” I said truthfully, “Nope, never had a problem and done martial arts my whole life.” He simply replied, “Cool.” The doctor signed off my papers and I was good to go.

As the month trudged on, my back became weaker and weaker. It came down to the point that running a straight on a track would seize my whole back up. I had to push through to pass my Navy fitness test and to pass the SEAL PST (physical screening test) in boot. This test involves a 500 yard timed swim with the side-combat stroke (specific military stroke SEALs use, followed by a minimum 50 pushups, 50 sit-ups, 10 pullups, and then a timed 1.5 mile run. To earn a SEAL contract before going into boot camp, you must have optimal scores to clinch a contract over everyone else in the nation to be accepted into BUD/S.

My numbers before going in were:

9 minute 30 second 500 yard swim (minimum 12:30)

113 pushups (minimum 50)

111 sit-ups (minimum 50)

37 dead hang pullups (minimum 10)

9 minute 17 second 1.5 mile run (minimum 10:30)

Luckily, my BUD/S class liked me as I aimed to be a team player. As the end of boot camp came up, my guys put me on “watch” so I did not have to do the 4 mile timed run with the SEALs before graduating because they knew I was having issues.

After graduating boot camp I called my doctor back home who’s kids I used to teach. He told me to go to medical. I went to medical and the SEALs and coreman (field doctors) said I was lying about my back because I did not want to do my PST. Upon graduating boot camp and moving to pre-BUD/S, all SEAL candidates must complete another  PST. You get one shot. If you fail, you get dropped from BUD/S

So they fit me for full duty, scoffed at everything I said, and the next day I went into the physical screening test.

After sit-ups, I had a Chief SEAL come up to me and say, “You’re that one with the back pain. How’s it feeling?” Now I know better than to show weakness to any of these warriors. They wouldn’t care anyway and complaining wont help me help my team. I replied, “I’m fine Chief.” Truth be told, I was in excruciating pain.

By the time the run came, my back was shot. I knew it was time to give it everything I had. I took off. As the run continued, I slowly fell behind until I was being trailed by the ambulance in the back. I came around the final corner and my class ran after me. I remember my buddy Stallings saying, “Stay on my hip Zahand! Keep going!” I passed the finish line with a time of 10:39. I failed the run by 9 seconds. Immediately crossing the line, my entire back down to my leg seized up. I dropped and couldn’t move nor get up. My team helped carry me to the ambulance. I had lost everything…or so I thought at that moment. But I did give it everything I had.

Reporting back to the compound, the head of the pre-BUD/S program, Master Chief Huyen, held my fate. He was a SEAL Team 6 operator. You go in front of a review board if you fail your PST. This is where they tell you that you suck and you’re kicked out of BUD/S. I entered in on crutches with all of the SEALs sitting at a table staring at me.

Mind you, I have stood in front of a board of grandmaster black belts. Standing in front of this table was terrifying. Master Chief looked at me and says, “Look, you aren’t a shitbag. You put out and proved to us you want to be here. After standdown (Christmas break), we will MRI you and roll you back to Class 320.”

I couldn’t believe it. They were going to give me an extra chance.

I returned home for leave over Christmas break. To say I was in pain is an understatement. I had never felt so debilitated and worthless in my life.

I returned to base after the break and they MRIed me. This is where I found out what I knew all along. I was just a number. Mind you I never was upset with this or thought otherwise. You prove yourself to be with the elite and earn a Trident (the SEAL insignia). I knew this.

The MRI came back saying I had two onsets of stress fractures in my L-4/L-5 region in my spine. I tore the ligament in my facet joint, and a couple other things.

Big Navy (not the special operations side) saw these results and stepped in, saying they needed to discharge me because in their mind, it could cost them a pretty penny to get me healed up. If they can discharge you under 180 days active duty, then the Navy does not have to give you ANYTHING – No GI bill, no medical, no nothing. They tried to claim I had a scoliosis curve of 40 degrees. You cannot be in the military with a curve greater than 30 degrees. This obviously was a lie as I had made it through my x-rays and special physical. They tried to say I erroneously enlisted and I should be kicked out. I wanted my second opinion.

Before I continue, understand this…many SEAL candidates who get dropped from BUD/S whether its due to medical or failure, try to claim “depression” or some other extreme so they can get discharged so they do not have to go regular Navy. They only wanted the “cool” thing to be and did not want to wear the honor of the US Navy uniform. This is not all but I saw a good number. I did NOT want medical compensation. I wanted to stay in. I told them to send me undesignated for 2 years, let me chip paint on a ship and repaint it, not gain rank, and then return to BUD/S after my back healed up. I went to naval attorneys and everyone looking for my options. I had so many petty officers and chiefs say they found it admirable how much I was fighting to simply stay in the fight and be a part of the Navy, as so many individuals try to cry their way out. I did not want to lose my dream. I don’t quit. I never even thought to ring that bell and quit. I would die before I gave up on my team. As stated, I asked to get a second opinion which I am legally obligated to.

The Navy denied me my second opinion because it would take me over the 180-day active-duty marker. This was not legal. The SEALs did push to help me stay in. I was honored by that. But unfortunately the VA is shit and the medical team was not very good. I was medically dropped from BUD/S. Big Navy then pulled the plug. I was discharged at 5 months and 2 days. I received an RE-3E discharge stating I “erroneously enlisted” and was given a general (under honorable conditions) discharge because I had not completed my training pipeline to receive an honorable discharge they claimed.

Upon returning home, I of course went to doctors, specialists and chiropractors both old and new. My curve was nowhere near what the Navy claimed. They blatantly lied to get me out.

Over the coming years, I did everything I could to get back into the military. I checked every other branch, tried going through my senator, and even hired an attorney to fight everything. I had my best buddy in my BUD/S class who made it through write me a letter of recommendation along with two other SEAL chiefs. Nothing worked. I lost the battle. I lost the war on achieving my dream.

I was proud to say I never quit and never thought to. I was sad to say I let my team down and let myself down.

So there it was. I broke my back. I lost my dream. I was left with nothing. I could barely lift a 10 lb dumbbell. I could barely walk without pain, which overtime turned into chronic pain every minute of every day of my life, and could not run 100 yards without a seizing pain up and down my entire body, sometimes giving out where I could not get out of bed for 3 days at a time.

I fell into the deepest and darkest depression of my life. Not only would my body not let me out of my bed but my mind sometimes wouldn’t let me budge. I fell deep into the darkest depths of my mind and my life. I tried to find escapes like any person. I am human. I am told I was a good man from many people during that time but I did not always feel that way or do the right things. Same as anyone. I wanted to the world to feel my pain. I harbored hatred in my heart and mind. I had lost faith in goodness at times. I thought I could never come back from the hell I delved myself into.

This is when, years later, I sat in my room in complete darkness and thought to myself (check my past email Introspection Equates to Harmonious Success). This is when I realized the only way to come out of those depths is to be what you want to see in the world. You must give good for the sake of just being good if you want to see a destructive, brutal, cruel world have light. It starts with you because everything else is out of your control. When you start by simply doing that, no matter how far gone you may feel, you realize it’s not about trying to find your way back to the good path. It is about going off road to create a new and everlasting path.

In conclusion, and to the biggest point of this email, when I lost everything, I had one thing always – the kids. They deserved someone who they could truly admire and lived by what he preached. They deserved genuine care. I had to be proud of myself if I was ever going to have their trust and lead them.

Most of all, though, children are the innocence and the true embodiment of goodness in the world. They were the thing that always kept me in check. They were the thing that stopped me from killing myself. They were the thing that made me never quit. I returned to teaching, but moreover with time I returned to being a true person with veracity. I wanted to give goodness. Kids do nothing but that.

So began the recovery. I had to build my body back. I had to build my invincible mindset back. I could not have chinks in my armor because the kids did not deserve that. I needed to be able to protect them in my eyes. I needed to be able to lead by example in all aspects of life. Whether it was physically, mentally, emotionally, I had to bear all responsibility and never give up. The kids are why I am a “miracle.” They inspired me and lifted me up when I didn’t feel I deserved it. I see parents always saying how they feel they are not doing good enough even when they try everything…there is not a practice round with parenting or hand book and if you were not brought up in a safe environment, then you only have so much to go off of. But those kids remind you everyday that you are worth it and can never give up. Those kids…your kids…give me the same thing. I know it is not the same sense as they are not my blood but I hope that makes sense in what I am saying.

Today I can do all of the same things I did before the Navy plus some as I have coupled wisdom with grit.

I began the Bully Buster when I got out of the military. I began fixing myself. I began fixing my hatred for the world. I began fixing my narrow negative mindset. It took so many years and so much turmoil and lessons learned. It took mistakes made. We are all human and no one is better than the next. I began to fix my humility. I began to fix my ego. I began to fix everything because of the students.

The kids were hands down the only reason I am alive to this day and feel I will be alive and healthy for many decades to come. I have a lot to give my students for everything they gave me. I want to give them and their families a safe place to bring them up and protect their innocence that this world and bad people will inevitably try to crush. I owe my life to my students. I owe my life to the community of our children. They saved me when I thought I lost everything but had to realize that they were truly everything. I have taught since I was 8 years old. The kids were always there for me. And they were there when I lost my dream and my mind.

I am not a Navy SEAL. Far from it. But I am a Sailor. I am a Sensei. I am a Doshi moreover and one day will be a Hanshi like my father. I am a proud man. I am the Bully Buster teacher in over 20 schools. I am an expert martial artist. I am a warrior with a messed up back that is stronger than anyone else’s back in my mind. Inversely, I am messed up just as anyone else. I am a man who battles inner demons and thoughts the same as the next. I am a man who aims to right his wrongs everyday like anyone else. I am a man who has made mistakes and created goodness just like anyone. I am human just as the next person. But if I can be remembered for anything, I want to be remembered as a man who forever loved “his kids.” I am a man that loves "his kids (and all students)." Best of all, I am right where God needed me to be.

I share this with you today because I always feel it important to be transparent with you as you trust my staff and me with the most important thing in your life…your kids.

Please know – they are and forever will be the most important thing in my life. All of my students are and I would not be the man I am today, let alone alive, if it weren’t for them.

Welp that’s my Mattchat lol. Now you know what happened to Doshi in the United States Navy, HOOYAH! OSU! I love you all. Goodnight.