I’m not special.
Please read this email when
you get a chance. It is quite long so enjoy a nice drink and feel free to get a
little more insight on who I am, as you trust me with the most important thing
in your life and mine, the kiddos. I always like to be as transparent as
possible about who I am for you to know the community I wish to build
here.
To begin, I debated
explaining this to all of you because it will take me talking about my
accomplishments a bit, which I hate doing but it is necessary for you to
understand my background.
I sat and spoke with Sempai
Keaton last night and explained some of this to him, as he is one of my finest
teen instructors, Black Belts, and proteges, and I think it is important for
all of you to know so here we go.
I’m not special. I am a man
of faith, and I know not everyone is, which I respect. So I will briefly say
that God is the only one who deserves almighty credit as the special One.
I’m not special. My father
and martial arts taught me to be the most ferocious YET humble warrior you can
be. You are supposed to be a force for good yet no one should know it. It
should not be bragged about.
When I first heard of the
Navy SEALs, they were the embodiment of that code. The toughest warriors that
were silent. You were not supposed to know who they were.
I had the intention to
become a SEAL to protect those I loved and serve my country at the highest
pinnacle I could. I lived an honest life and always wanted to see others happy.
As most of you know, I am
NOT a Navy SEAL. I broke my back in the BUD/S (Basic underwater
Demolition/SEAL) pipeline. I did not make it very far. I’m not special.
After I realized I wanted
to go down that path and before I went into the service, I had some bad things
happen to me from those in my past life (things that were out of my control
that I let consume me). The events destroyed my invincible and SELFLESS mindset.
I became bitter, I harbored hatred, and I became selfish in certain ways.
After that, I felt my
journey to become a SEAL was for another purpose – to never compare myself to
others again. I felt if I could achieve something that less than .001% of the
population could, that I would not have to compare myself to those around me
anymore. I was thinking I was special. I wanted to prove I was special. I had
my own selfish desire to do so.
Mind you, I never used to
compare myself when I first began training for the SEALs. It was after the
wrongdoings done to me in my life that I began to compare myself and negatively
bring myself down constantly.
But what’s worse is I began
the journey for only myself. The whole idea of the SEAL teams is to be a TEAM –
to put others and the mission before yourself.
Now yes, my back broke due
to the training, but I also take responsibility for not truly embodying the
ideals of being there for my team. I was so caught up in being broken and
depressed that I lost sight of the leadership I always had growing up. I let my
team down. I would have never quit, and I didn’t. I never even thought to ring
that bell (you ring a bell to say you wish to quit the pipeline). But
truthfully, I might as well have said I did quit because I was not thinking of
my BUD/S class/team. I was all wrapped up in the wrongs that had been done to
me, letting that haunt me, and simply put, my body broke because my mind broke.
Your body will be as strong as your mind – I believe this tenfold.
I was medically dropped
from BUD/S and then the Navy lied and tried to claim that my back was broken
due to scoliosis – after I was cleared through all physicals and x-rays, etc.
They also blatantly lied about the curvature of my back in order to get me out
of the Navy under 180 days active duty so they did not have to give me anything
– GI bill, medical, etc. They denied me my second opinion as not to let me go
over 180 days active duty, which they are not allowed to do either. I was not
fighting for compensation when I was medically dropped from BUD/S. I was
fighting to stay in and achieve my dream of earning a Trident (the pin you earn
after completing SEAL training). I was prepared to go chip paint on a ship for
two years, not gain rank, heal my back, and return to BUD/S. Unfortunately, big
Navy screwed me.
I could have blamed the
Navy and the world for losing everything and I did for a long while. It wasn’t
until I took responsibility in my life and owned the fact that I did not
deserve to be a Navy SEAL. My body broke due to my mind. I did not put others before
myself. I wanted to think I was special. I’m not special.
As I have told many of you,
I have learned the only way to transcend the suffering of life is to give back
to others without expecting anything in return.
When I returned home from
the Navy, I had lost my dream, was screwed from the military, was on crutches,
and couldn’t even pick up a 10 lb dumbbell. Mind you, when I first started
training for the SEAL pipeline, I was running 60 miles a week, swimming 10
miles, lifting hundreds of pounds, etc.
Upon my return home, I came
back to the thing I knew best – fighting. Karate was always there for me. More
important, I came back to my kids (the students). They were single handedly the
only thing that kept me alive. I would have offed myself if it weren’t for
their joyful innocent smiles to brighten my life.
After years of mental
turmoil, I realized it was time to get myself together and make no excuses. I
acknowledged where I failed, and more importantly, I stopped trying to
manipulate reality. I stopped trying to lie to myself to make the world fit to
me. I began to make sure I always told the truth again. I began to realize I’m
not special. I am just like you. We all have our trials and tribulations. You
never know what others are going through. And the problems you have are yours
to bear because another person may not be as strong as you to handle them.
These are my problems to
bear and overcome. I’m not special.
Fast forward to present
day.
I have MANY issues with my
back and my body since breaking it in the military. I do not tell people about
them because it does not matter. It will not stop me.
I have been through
NUMEROUS specialists and doctors, and I have done everything for my back from
massages to acupuncture to surgery. I lived in constant back pain for nearly 8
years. I had knife pinches in my lower back and my left latissimus dorsi would
seize up after a simple sprint. I had this occur in the Navy and I let my
entire class down when it happened to me multiple times. It persisted for the
years to come.
One thing I have found is
RFA (radio-frequency ablation), where they burn the nerves at the spine so your
brain does not register the pain. I do an hour of therapy and stretching every
morning on top of my training and repeat therapy and ice in the evenings most
days. I have a jacked up back. My specialist, Dr Shaia, who does my RFAs (one
of the greatest doctors and men I know) always makes a point to tell me how
messed up my back is whenever I go in to see him. He says it with good humor
and to encourage me that I should be proud of where I am. He has told me my
back is the worst he has worked on, and he has worked on thousands.
I say this next statement
not to brag but to give you insight on what I deal with – Dr. Shaia said to me
during a recent visit verbatim, ”Matt, you are what is called defying the odds.
It is nothing short of a miracle what you do with the back you have.”
He then explained how my
capability of fighting and training the way I do is astonishing.
Now I DO NOT believe this
about myself. I truly believe anyone is capable of do anything if they put
their mind to it. I’m not special.
When he explained this to
me, I reflected deeply. I’m not special.
People need purpose. I lost
the Navy. To find purpose for myself I returned to what I knew best – fighting.
I ended up entering Kyokushin Karate – a bare-knuckle full contact karate where
you attempt to win by knockout.
I went on this path after I
switched my life around and owned responsibility for who I am. I began to make
sure I did things for just the good of it and no other reason. I wanted to be
the inspiration for my students through and through. I did not want to be a
false idol and live a lie. I’m not special.
I ended up becoming a “true
champion” in Kyokushin in my first international competition. A “true champion”
is one who wins gold in BOTH kata and fighting. This is unheard of because
competitors only focus on one thing due to the time it takes to put into one
craft.
You are not supposed to
fight “knockdown” (bareknuckle) your first Kyokushin tournament. All
fighters are supposed to begin with “semi-knockdown” which includes pads. I
received the blessing from the head of the IFK (International Kyokushin Federation)
to fight knockdown my first fight since I have trained Shotokan for over 25
years.
You are not supposed to win
your first competition, especially in both kata and fighting.
I ended up fighting the
United States top international fighter for the championship in the final
fight. My coach told me as I prepared to fight, “You know they’re expecting him
to win this.” I replied, “I know.”
I ended up becoming a true
champion from being a nobody who was doubted by all the onlookers. I ran a
business, trained without any assistance from others, and was going against
Kyokushin fighters who had been training their whole lives in this style.
I’m not special.
I do not say this to brag.
I say this so you know what I have endured. I’m not special
Now allow me to tie this
altogether. The US has never had a lightweight Kyokushin world champion, or
“true champion.” My goal now is to go to the world championships next year and
change that.
My father and I were
talking last week after I received an epidural steroid injection in my S1 joint
of my lower back. He asked me why I want to fight in the world championships –
assuming it was because of my own selfish desire to prove myself and because
there is no money in winning it and it could take a toll on my body. Any
fighter wishes to fight in order to prove who they are and their worth to
themselves. I would say any fighter could agree with this. I’m not special.
But that wasn’t my reason.
As I told him and Sempai Keaton – I fight for my kids. I fight purely for my
students. My father chuckled and said, “No you don’t. How is that?”
I have learned to not
pursue things for selfish reasons in life. The pursuit of giving back to others
and living selflessly is the true meaning of life. I learned from my mistakes
in the Navy. This is one reason when people have kids they “get their act together.”
Its because they care about something more than themselves. They realize they
are not special.
To my father’s question, I
responded whole heartedly, “I cannot be an inspiration to my students if I
cannot overcome adversity. I have had students who have been through some of
the worst things in life – sold for sex and drugs, been through numerous foster
homes, abuse, everything. These things are nothing I have had to go through.
Who am I to teach them, let alone inspire them, if I did not fight through
things AND for them. I fight to prove that NO MATTER WHAT setbacks and
limitations I may have, I can still fight and aim to achieve greatness. If I
live and prove that, then I can inspire them to not let their setbacks and
horrid realities of life hold them back. That’s how you inspire. You don’t
inspire by being motivated and going hard everyday. You inspire by getting up
on the days you don’t want to and proving to them that NO MATTER WHAT, they can
achieve greatness in whatever they desire. Its all in your mentality. So yeah,
I fight for my students. I’m not special.”
My dad replied, “Well I
guess you do fight for them then.”
I won my Kyokushin
competition because of my students. I could not have done it without them in my
mind. I’m not special. I do NOT believe what I do is a miracle. This life is
not about me. I’m not special. I believe everyone is capable of greater things
than me and I encourage and want that for all my students and their parents. I’m
not special. Each and every one of you are dealing with hardships that may seem
unbearable, but I tell you this – those hardships are yours because YOU are the
one that can handle them. Someone else in this world would have quit and never
even been able to try to endure what you have endured. Each of our paths in
life are significant to us. You are the inspiration to those around you. You
are my inspiration. I am grateful to hear the stories you share with him and
the traumas you have endured and overcome. It fuels me. I’m not special.
Moreover, to be successful
in this life and transcend that suffering, you must:
One – do good for good’s
sake. Expect nothing in return.
Two – Be honest through and
through, to yourself and to others.
Three – Remember that you
have been molded to endure like nobody else and set goals that nothing will
stop you from achieving. We all are molded to endure like nobody else can.
I aim to give back to my
community through martial arts. I aim to inspire by never giving up and showing
that nothing holds me back, same as you. I’m not special.
And finally (I know you’re
over me talking lol), doing good for others and expecting nothing in return
will show others THEY are special to you. Even if they are a stranger. Life is
about giving back. When you continue to show others the care and love that the
world will not give, you prove they are special in this world.
The world is cruel. You
cant change the world unless you change yourself and start by making the world
better on your own. Good always shines through, and goodness must be fierce to
stave off evil. It starts with you. I’m not special.
This is another reason I
genuinely compliment people. Its to show them that something about them was
special. I’m not better than anyone else. I’m not special.
BUT when you realize you
are making those around you feel special, they will show you why you are
special. In the most unexpected times, they will say or do something for you
that makes your heart full. An example is my kids telling me they trust me and love
me…Dear Lord does that make me feel special.
When you realize you are
not special, and we all are dealing with the world; when you realize instead to
treat others with specialness because we all deserve a little love, you will
begin to realize your worth because it will come back around. Then, you will
begin to believe your worth if you live honest and true to others. You begin to
realize you are special yourself, just like those around you.
I am special because…
You are special.
I hope whatever you all are
going through gets better. Your dojo is here however we can be to help. Thank
you for making me feel special. Thank you for being special in my life. And
most important, thank you for granting me the most special thing in my life
that has kept me fighting – the kids.
The kids gave me a reason
to never give up. The kids gave me a reason to keep fighting. The kids saved me
from my darkness – the darkness of my past and the darkness of today. The kids
saved me and reminded me why living good and pure is the best way to live…because
kids are good and pure. They are all special to me, to you, to the dojo, and to
the world.
I love you all. Osu.